A Man's Worst Fear
by XxFearTheFluffxX
Summary: Ulquiorra has very definite opinions on what a man's worst fear should be... and it's not Aizen. He fears this more than anything else in the world. Even just the thought terrifies him. Why, then, does Yuki find it so damn funny? ! UlquiorraxOC Oneshot


"Not another word."

Ulquiorra Schiffer's cold voice, normally so stiff and stoic, was uncharacteristically tense as he enunciated each syllable of the command.

The Shinigami beside him was bent double, tears streaming down her cheeks as she laughed fit to burst. Her long crimson hair formed a concealing curtain around her slim shoulders as she clutched her gut and tried in vain to repress the great, shuddering guffaws that tore through her – like ripples on the water's surface, once they started they were difficult to stop. The solitary braid wrapped in blue ribbon which hung decoratively by the left side of her face whipped back and forth violently, and Ulquiorra briefly considered strangling her with it before she looked up and waved a tiny hand apologetically. Despite this attempt at appeasement, her rusty-copper eyes glowed with mirth as she quickly wiped away the last of the joyful tears.

"I'm serious, Yuki. Once more and I'll have to kill you."

"I'm sorry, Ulquiorra! Really, I _am_, but-," She couldn't finish, her excuse making interrupted as she was incapacitated by yet another uncontrollable fit of giggles. Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed infinitesimally and he watched gravely as Yuki fell to her knees.

"It is not funny. It is a very serious matter and if you ever tell anyone, I'll throttle you." His face was emotionless but his voice held the slightest tenor of a threat he felt he'd have no trouble making good on.

A quick glance up and Yuki could tell he wasn't joking; not that she'd expected he _would_ be. Ulquiorra did not _joke_ – it was part of his charm. Or at least _she_ thought so. But Yuki was different to everyone else; where others would believe he was serious about killing her, she knew he'd rather walk into the centre of Soul Society unarmed – _naked, _if need be – than harm so much as a single hair on her head. She could _always_ read his emotions (emotions he did his damnedest to mask with a perpetual expression of blankness) through his eyes, a feat no one else in _existence_ could copy. He may not be joking, but he didn't _mean_ what he said either – that knowledge made her laugh all the harder for reasons even _she_ didn't understand.

At long last, after many hysterical breakdowns, Yuki managed to get a grip and tried , through her fragile self-restraint, to verify what he'd told her just one more time. "Are you being _serious_? Do you swear on your life that you're telling me the truth here?"

Ulquiorra nodded solemnly, his emerald eyes hard with conviction while his face remained carefully devoid of feeling. A breeze from the rolling sea ruffled his thick black hair under the horned helmet that was his Arrancar mask.

To avoid looking at his face and, inevitably, bursting into side-splitting laughter again, Yuki scanned the beach she and Ulquiorra had been sitting on for the last hour or so. It was exceptionally dark tonight; hardly a star in the sky, the moon completely shrouded in shadow. The lulling sound of gentle waves lapping at the normally golden sand was relaxing, and the strong smell of salt and seaweed made her feel light headed and giddy. Unexpectedly – for he usually had reservations about initiating contact with her – Ulquiorra curled his bone-white hand around her apricot-pink one, causing her to jump in shock. Ignoring this, Ulquiorra spoke in his usual stolid, matter-of-fact tone, somehow managing to make his statement sound like a epitaph. "I swear it not only on my life, but yours and Lord Aizen's as well."

Yuki wrinkled her nose; she didn't like having her life equated to that traitor Aizen's. "How's _that_ meant to convince me you're not yanking my chain, huh? Ulqui?" she chuckled, only half-teasing as she fingered the teal tear trails that ran from his eyes down either side of his face, enjoying the fact that she was the only one who could do this and live long enough to speak of it.

"Because you and he are the only things in this world that mean anything to me." Ulquiorra answered in a tone that suggested this was obvious.

Yuki was touched; for a moment – just one brief moment – she forgot how to talk. Her heart seemed to have swollen, closing off her throat. Then, shaking it off, she smiled tenderly and kissed him softly on the forehead – he didn't resist.

"I love you too, Ulquiorra." she whispered softly, stroking his cheek gently as he continued to stare at her hollowly.

"I didn't say that." Ulquiorra objected. It was a half-hearted objection and besides, his green eyes said different. Yuki shushed him with a finger to his lips.

"I know that; you don't _have_ to say it. But it's in your eyes whether you want it to be or not. Don't worry! I wouldn't want to put you through the agony of _making_ you say it!" she snorted, amused by the tiniest lift in his eyebrow which betrayed his doubt. "Anyway back to the point. Do you _really_ fear _that_ more than Aizen?! When you said there was something you feared more than Aizen's wrath, I thought you were going to say Satan himself or something reasonable!"

"I've told you already; I do not _fear_ Lord Aizen's wrath because I am not stupid enough to incur it. Secondly, any self-respecting man _should_ fear it. It is extremely painful; worse than anything Lord Aizen could do by far, unless, of course, he did it himself." Ulquiorra replied, his eyes reflecting his discomfort with the topic even if the rest of him did not.

"How would _you_ know if it hurts or not? Is there something you'd like to share with me?" Yuki asked slyly, amused by the shock and incredulity that manifested itself in his aqua orbs.

"No," he almost growled, a touch of emotion colouring his voice for the first time that evening. Apparently, he noticed it too and accordingly kept quiet for a few seconds to regain his composure before picking up again. "Do you remember when we first met? You kicked me with unnecessary force in a site that was literally below the belt."

If Yuki didn't know any better, she'd say that last sentence was an _accusation_.

"Yeah... I remember that." she muttered sheepishly. "To be fair, though, you were trying to kill me!"

"Even so, because of that I was out of commission for over a week. The pain was unendurable; it felt like... everything had been launched inside my body. I assume it would be a similar feeling." If he could have winced, he would have, and Yuki felt so guilty that she wrapped him in a repentant embrace.

"I'm sorry, Ulqui. Sorry it hurt so much, that is; I'm not sorry I did it. I like being alive and if that's the only way to ensure it, I'd happily do it again." she grinned. He nodded – something about her reply pleased him, though she couldn't imagine why.

"Good to hear it. If it was the only way of ensuring your safety, I'd allow it."

"Aww. Sweet." she smirked, kissing him softly on the lips this time. "But are you _sure_ that's _every _man's worst fear?"

"I'm certain it's every _heterosexual_ man's worst fear, yes."

"Wow. That's... _hilarious_!" Yuki cried and exploded into stitches again.

"Yuki! This is NOT funny! Being anally raped is not something to laugh at!!!" Ulquiorra yelled, loosing his cool at last – it had been a long time coming this evening.

"I know! I just can't help it! Who knew a big, tough Espada like you'd be afraid of anal rape!"

**Lol! A very dodgy conversation at school inspired this one. Some of my classmates and I were discussing the worst kind of pain and we went through quite a lot (period pain, labour, having stitches taken out and being kicked in the tenders are a few of the top rated ones) when the only male in our group came up with being anally raped. I laughed myself silly and almost wet myself when he said it was his worst fear!**

**NOTE 2: This is the new and (hopefully) improved version of this story! WHOOP! I've decided to systematically re-edit all my stories (particularly oneshots) to bring them up to my current level of writing. One down, about fourteen to go... I think!**


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